Day 36: Emotional Drainage

As no one is reading this anymore, I guess I can bear to be a bit more vulnerable. These past few days have led me to feel just terrible about my actions yet again, and honestly, I am just contemplating the worst of situations in an attempt to prevent myself from thinking about what might happen to me if I do not end up changing my social life. Every day just feels so empty in comparison to the rhythms I try to cultivate to change my life for the better. From the daily stress of all that I do, to the fact that I am pretty sure I'll be alone, a lot of things have lost their color. The ones that haven't, however, are so stained with my pain that I have lost faith in them and won't pursue them as what's the point?

That said, I need to stop thinking about the problems with my life and, instead, focus on the alternatives which give me meaning. While there are none right now, I hope to find opportunities which do so and, as a result, bring a little bit of color back into the monotonous parts of my existence. I feel like my heart is locked up, and that I just want to break down and cry, but that would be too much of a burden for people to bear, so I won't do that.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day 37 (of Blogging): Back to the new normal.

With all of my exams, except Math 316, done, I got to say that I think my current strategies will work for the short term. Math 416 might ( keyword: might ) be a lot better than I expected, as I do not have to worry more than I already am about my place and mathematical ability in the course. Overall, I have realized that a LOT of what I need to do is becoming a lot of consistent individual work or CIWs. These sorts of tasks will probably propagate more as I get into more rigorous courses in UMich and (hopefully) am challenged more, but for now, I am forced to explore them haphazardly as I hope to get a lot out more out of college than others. To define a CIW, so I can use that term later and not need to redefine it, I want to give such a task a real chance of increasing my skill level, I will say that, for now, it requires the following three tasks for sure: 1. A New Experience. Whether it is drawing or designing or new math, it needs to be something that either EXTENDS old concep
Read more

Day 33: A weird day.

Welp. I guess I am not going on certain apps ever again. From computer troubles, to missed clicks, to even just oddities on the normal situation, technology increases the amount of helicopter parenting you see in people, and I guess I am not immune from that. It pains me, as I am pretty sure that I am being watched far harder than I reasonably should be given that I do nothing but study, but what can I even do to mitigate that? Now I just feel crummy and compelled to work because some people told me to, and honestly my frustration from something as simple and stupid as that still has me riled up. I just need to re-affirm my own priorities and remember that I am doing this for myself - and not for people who believe their interest is always in my best interest ( while it frequently is, they do not understand some of the nuances of interactions in today's age, which means I have to balance a knife of privacy trying to do things that are otherwise normal ).
Read more